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Note: This insightful article is quoted from coach Traci Fisher to explore the art of emotional regulation.
Have you observed colleagues who maintain composure amid workplace turbulence? These individuals easily navigate challenging discussions and tense meetings, showcasing emotional intelligence (EI) at its finest. EI was first introduced by researchers Peter Salovey and John D. Mayer in the 1990s and was later popularised by psychologist Daniel Goleman. It involves aligning your emotions with those of others. Goleman's research revealed that EI accounts for 90% of effective performance.
2 Key steps to mastering emotional regulation:
1. Understanding Your Emotional Self:
How do we go beyond emotional intelligence to achieve emotional regulation? It all begins with a profound journey of self-discovery. Think of the times you felt so irritated that you realised later that you were unconsciously clenching your teeth. This disconnect highlights a lack of attunement to your body's emotional cues. The first step is to comprehensively understand your emotions, a seemingly straightforward task that often holds complexities.
My clients are often surprised when I enquire about their perceptions of frustration. They believe it is self-evident and that simply recounting their stories will explain their emotional state. However, I am less concerned with the specifics and more focused on the physical manifestations of their frustration. I ask them to describe their bodily sensations, such as tension, anger, or irritation. The answer to their frustration often lies in their physical responses.
Our bodies undergo physiological transformations in preparation for a fight-or-flight response in the wake of unpleasant emotions such as stress, anxiety, fear, or sadness. Common reactions include an elevated heart rate, accelerated breathing, tense muscles, and increased perspiration. Often, we’re so caught up in what’s happening around us or lost in our thoughts that we overlook these signals. Paying attention to these physical cues goes beyond emotional intelligence; it represents the initial step towards regulating our emotions effectively.
Uncovering Hunger: A Unique Path to Awareness
I always encourage my clients to connect with their emotions and to pay attention to their physical hunger. We often eat out of habit, assuming it's mealtime instead of responding to genuine hunger cues. When we truly feel hungry, our immediate reaction is to quell it as quickly as possible. But what if we slowed down and observed our bodies' signals?
Reconsider how you view hunger. It's more than just a cue to eat; it's a gateway to understanding your body's requirements and reactions. Start by observing the fluctuations in your hunger. What does true hunger feel like? Try drinking water and monitoring any changes to determine whether you can distinguish between hunger and thirst.
This exercise isn’t about restricting food but about using hunger to heighten bodily awareness. Tuning into these signs will uncover a valuable lesson: just as hunger is a temporary sensation that eventually subsides, emotions too are transient states that constantly change and do not define your identity.
Feeling Emotions to Release Them: The 90-Second Rule for Emotional Regulation
So, the first step is to pay attention to the physical sensations triggered by your emotions. Negative emotions can be unpleasant, particularly in critical situations like essential meetings. Just as you might not like being hungry, you can start small by observing these emotions as they arise throughout the day, even if they are just minor irritations or hunger pangs. Research by Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor suggests that emotions have a short chemical lifespan of just 90 seconds. This means that your path from emotional intelligence to emotional regulation can be relatively swift—unless you dwell on thoughts that reinforce those emotions. This brings us to the second step in the process.
2. Understanding the Link Between Thoughts and Emotions:
The second step is to become more aware of your thoughts and words because your emotions aren’t solely triggered by external factors such as the actions of others. Your emotions stem from your thoughts about them, such as, "Are they trying to deceive me? I corrected them many times on these statistics. This is a waste of time. They always do this." And then your blood pressure starts to rise. Understanding this connection is crucial for emotional regulation. Attributing our distress to external sources like people or events is human nature, but this tendency diminishes when you take responsibility for your emotions. This is because you have come to understand that you have the power to regulate your emotional responses.
Understanding and Managing False Emotions:
Here's a subtle question you should consider as you start monitoring your internal and external dialogue: "False emotions." A key step towards enhancing your emotional intelligence is recognising and managing these subtle nuances. False emotions are essentially judgements masked as authentic feelings. They often begin with "I feel..." followed by a statement that seems emotional but is a judgement of someone else. For instance, in that meeting with the person who repeatedly presents the wrong numbers after you’ve given them the correct ones, you might say, "I feel insulted," and people might agree. It's understandable to feel frustrated when someone disregards the accurate information you provide. You might be tempted to label them as disrespectful, unreliable, or incompetent. However, upon closer examination, you’ll find that all these words have something in common—they don’t represent you. They’re about the other person's behaviour. You wouldn’t say any of these things to someone who’s ignoring, disrespecting, or undermining you. Essentially, you’re passing judgement on someone else, and that’s fine. However, it can be confusing when we mistakenly believe this judgement reflects our own emotions.
Unpacking the Layers of False Emotions:
So, what’s going on here? When we say we feel "ignored," and it’s about someone else, what are our true emotions? This is where emotional regulation comes into play. It requires you to delve deeper than just assigning blame, to introspect, and to delve deeper into your feelings. You might discover that you’re angry, hurt, or embarrassed. So, if you ever feel abandoned, judged, or belittled, you know that these emotions have a powerful impact on you. But here’s the problem: what we often perceive as emotions might be disguised thoughts. These covert thoughts can deceive us into mistaking them for genuine emotions. The truth is, words like "I’ve been abandoned" aren’t emotions; they’re stories we tell ourselves about what’s happening around us. Think of it this way: when we say we feel abandoned, what we’re really saying is that we believe someone has left us behind. However, the underlying emotions driving this sentiment may not be abandonment but pain, fear, or loneliness. These are true emotions; they’re essential because they’re something we can address.
Acknowledging the false nature of these emotions can transform how we manage our relationships with others. Instead of reacting with assumptions like "they're deliberately ignoring me," we can connect with the underlying true emotion, such as "I'm feeling lonely right now." It’s a small shift, but it makes a significant difference.
Navigating Emotional Ambiguity:
Recognising false emotions isn’t always easy, but you’ll notice them everywhere once you do. You’ll hear them in the news, see them on social media, and even catch your children and colleagues using them. And when you hear yourself expressing them, you’ll begin to recognise them too.
So, what comes next after identifying these thoughts disguised as emotions? You now have the opportunity to take intelligent control of your emotions. Here’s a quick, three-step process to help you manage them:
1. Identify the Judgement:
When you find yourself feeling "attacked" or "betrayed," take a moment. Find out if you’re using an emotional word to express a judgement. Ask yourself, "What judgement underlies this thought?"
2. Understand the True Emotion:
Now it’s time to dig beneath the surface. This step encourages a shift from reaction to reflection. Explore what’s really happening underneath. You can revisit the first step by mentally looking within your body to start this process. Ask yourself, "What emotion am I truly feeling right now?"
3. Uncover the Need Behind the Emotion:
Every emotion has an underlying need. If you’re feeling lonely, perhaps you need to connect. If you’re scared, maybe you need reassurance. Identifying and expressing these needs can turn a potential conflict into a moment of collaboration. Ask yourself, "What do I need right now?"
Identifying the real emotions and needs behind false emotions is a powerful step towards emotional regulation. This process encourages us to shift our perspective from blaming external factors to understanding and managing our own emotions.
The Real Impact of Emotional Regulation by the Numbers:
Now, let’s take a moment to discuss the impact of emotional regulation. You might be thinking, "Sure, all this sounds great in theory, but does it actually benefit us in practice?" The answer is yes, and we have the numbers to prove it.
A study highlighted by the Harvard Business Review remarkably uncovered that organisations led by individuals with high emotional intelligence—those who can manage their emotions, influence the emotions of others, and use them effectively—experienced an astounding 34% increase in profits. This phenomenon is attributable to emotional regulation fostering an environment where communication and engagement thrive and where "quiet quitting" becomes a thing of the past.
However, it’s not just about the profits. These emotionally intelligent leaders have built teams with higher levels of satisfaction who feel more valued and who are significantly more productive. Team members feel that you care about them, respect them, and value their opinions, which drives them to give their best.
Final Thoughts:
It’s time to turn those moments of tension into your most significant opportunities for growth and connection. Embrace the advanced art of emotional regulation, acknowledging that the true power to manage your feelings resides within you. This power comes from recognising the true emotions and underlying needs behind your false emotions.
True emotional regulation comes from inside, even though emotional intelligence offers a base. This enables you to navigate emotional situations with confidence and clarity.
